Real Mature

Whenever I've read columns about Big Kids, Peter Pan Syndrome or Men Who Won't Grow Up, I've nodded my head sagely: a sign of the times, I think. Because I agree that, yes, there is a certain type of perennially childish bloke who fits these descriptions, I've let it fly under the radar. But reading Sam de Brito's latest offering, I realise how little thought I've really given my position. First and foremost, it strikes me as odd that we only ever talk this way about men. Which seems a gross inequality: whereas unattached 30-something males are touted as being selfish, emotionally immature louts who look no further than their next shag, beer or Halo deathmatch, unattached 30-something women are simply labelled "career driven." Childishness is hardly restricted to those with a Y-chromosone, and ambition is not a by-product of oestrogen. So why are only men seen as immature?

For a while now, I've had my suspicions - shy, nameless thoughts perkolating somewhere in the hindbrain, but never fully articulated. Today, they have come clear. Behold my revelation: being "career driven" is just the same as having an unhealthy fixation on boozy one-night stands, because both behaviours are equally immature. There are many ways to define maturity, but I would contend that an ability to balance (or at least juggle) all the spheres of one's life is a key point. Immaturity is picking a selected aspect - such as play - and running with it to the exclusion of all others, and whether this is because we find it easier to deal with or simply more enjoyable, the result is the same: an immature person. Being "career driven" is viewed as socially acceptable only because we have a tendency to conflate fiscal success with personal development. Surely, we think, if someone is out climbing the corporate ladder, they are Meeting New People. They are making Plans For The Future. They are Building Their Nest Egg and Taking A Long-Term View Of Their Happiness.

I submit to you that this is not the case.

The problem society has with immature men is the lack of priority they give their romantic lives. No commitment - just a few sexual partners here, a smattering of girlfriends there, and no thought of settling down. Plenty of time for that later on. Why not enjoy their youth?

Compare with career-driven women. Not enough time for romance; they're busy working hard getting the good job, breaking the glass ceiling, saving money. Partners, children and houses can wait until after they've got the corner office. Plenty of time for that later on. Why waste their best years?

The problem with both positions is the belief that relationships will happen as scheduled. One day, the logic seems to go, they'll get sick of all-night raves or have finally gotten ahead, and will wake up the next morning to find their significant other helpfully strapped to the wardrobe, ready for use. These are people who have taken the phrase stages of life literally. Instead of a measurement applied largely in retrospective, they view it in the fashion of an 80's arcade game: a series of distinct, 2D screens to be dually progressed through, acquiring new tools in a pre-determined, linear sequence. You only progress to the marriage level after you're heartily sick of goofing around with mates or uncovering career path. The idea that any of these might be achieved simulteanously or returned-to later is either uncomfortable, too difficult or unthought-of.

And this is the crux of the matter. When immature men carouse, wench and party like it's going out of fashion, it's as if they've convinced themselves that committed relationships can't be fun. No more XBox, no more drinking, no more passionate sex - better cram it all in before that happens! Similarly, it's as if career-driven women think that family responsibilities preclude a great job. The question becomes one of child-rearing and time out of the workforce - a genuine consideration, to be sure - but where offpsring are on the cards already, the fearful need to have the career now, lest it be denied later, seems identical. Once I've had children, I won't be able to get back on track - better climb the rungs first!

(For the record, neither the traditional 'male' immaturity nor the desperate career drive are gender specific: vice versa, some girls just wanna have fun, and some blokes crave high-power jobs. The diversity is omnipresent, but stereotypes are more specific, and the above criticism applies equally to all parties.)

Getting married and having children doesn't equal maturity; neither does indefinitely postponing the future, earning a boatload of money or doing everything we legally can plus a couple of things we can't. (Britney Speares could be a poster-child for all five.) Maturity is a tricky thing to define, and we all have our own specifications - but at heart, I think it means the ability to deal pragmatically with life. Long-term goals are all well and good, but if they aren't grounded in reality then you might as well plan to invent a green elephant. With all the freedom of choice we have nowadays, there's a tendecy to assume that 'everything' is an option: twenty years of childhood, a decade to party, a decade of career-building, a decade to get out of debt, a decade to save, and another twenty years to raise a family of our own. But biology is a harsh mistress, let alone alcohol, HECS, the ATO, the Reserve Bank, real estate agents, Eros and Lady Luck. Sooner or later, the immature 30-somethings of this world will be forced to take the plunge and try a few things concurrently, or without their preferred amount of money in the bank - it's that, or risk missing out altogether.

Because sure as things aren't getting any cheaper, twenty, plus forty, plus twenty does not equal retirement at 60.