At this time of year, tradition dictates a list of resolutions for the new annum - things we will strive to improve upon, take up or cut back for the wellbeing of our collective flesh and psyches. I have many such plans for 2008, but as listing them would constitute a trite and obvious exercise for everyone, here instead are ten things I will NOT be doing:
1. I will never again purchase and consume an entire family-size barbeque chicken in one go.
2. Bored to hunger, I will not return multiple times to hang on the door of my snackless fridge, hoping that somehow, new food has grown since I last looked.
3. I will no longer leave my clean washing on the line for a week and a half, then become irritated when it gets rained upon.
4. I will not ignore whatever housework needs doing in favour of sprawling listlessly on the lounge and bemoaning the fact that I have nothing to do.
5. I will not leave my shoes under the loungeroom table, the kitchen table, or anywhere else they can be simultaneously hidden from view and tripped over.
6. I will no longer rent shitty movies and fail to return them on time. Why the hell should I pay more for not having watched the entirety of Daredevil or Caligula? They suck.
7. I will no longer pretend that my preference for drinking bourbon and coke isn't boganly.
8. I will stop spending so much Goddam time on Facebook. Seriously. I mean it!
9. I will not learn to tap-dance.
And, finally:
10. I will not, under any circumstances - no matter how dire - regret that John Howard lost the election.
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2 comments:
Just out of interest how are 1, 3, and 8 different from regular resolutions? Just because you put "not" in front of them doesn't make them anti-resolutions. It just makes them a resolution not to do something. An anti-resolution, in my mind, would consist of continuing a generally regarded vice. Now that would make for a funny article ;-) And you've already made a good start with 7 and 9.
p.s. How did you come up with the title for your blog?
'The Unicorn Evils' comes from a poem by Dylan Thomas. The verse in question is one I've always liked:
"faith in their hands shall snap in two/and the unicorn evils run them through/split all ends up they shan't crack/and death shall have no dominion."
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